Monday, September 19, 2011

Taking a crap

I am taking a left turn with this entry. Taking a crap, I know you are taken aback by the title but deep inside that is not how you feel about it. In fact being repulsed by taking a crap is a result of societal indoctrinations. You have been conditioned to feel that way, just like you have been conditioned to use the toilet. Toilet training is a child’s first confrontation with the systematic effort of the parents and society to control their impulses. With this entry I am going to be blunt and say that after sex and good food, taking a crap is one of the biggest pleasures in life.

I will begin by supporting my statement with scientific study by Sigmund Freud. Freud concluded that children betray themselves by holding back their crap until its accumulation brings about violent muscular contractions and as it passes through the anus, it is able to produce powerful stimulation of the mucous membrane. So not only do we know the pleasures of faecal release from a young age but we do everything in our power to heighten the pleasure.

It is the only bodily excretion from which I take pleasure. I personally find urinating annoying, it wakes me up in the middle of the night and at times I find it hard going back to sleep. For some reason we do it many times a day and at unpredictable times such as between errands or in the middle of our favourite movie. Need I say that accumulating urine is excruciatingly horrible? But this entry is not about urinating, it is about crapping.

I remember the biggest relief I ever had, it was in form 3 (grade 9). I had just started studying at Waterford Kamhlaba high school in Mbabane, Swaziland. I stayed at school as a boarder, the hostel was for form 2’s and 3’s, so you can imagine the degree of immaturity of its inhabitants. We were all a bunch of 13 to 15 year olds that had just started puberty. For some reason the toilets had doors as high as those in western cowboy movies. So basically, if you looked down you could recognise the legs, pants and shoes of the person taking a crap. In the morning of my first day of school, I was brushing my teeth and I heard a taunt from behind me, “Haa Bongani, I see you’re taking a crap!!!” and with that some of the kids in the communal bathroom shared a laugh. I did not want to be the butt of a joke (no pun intended), I was alright for that day because I’d taken a dump the day before in the hotel where I was staying with my parents before they went back to Maputo. I was alright the following day too, I didn’t eat much back then either way. The third day however was as though somebody had turned the heat up. I was fidgety and kept adjusting my pants, “are you OK man, you look a bit stressed?”, asked one of the freshers. “I’m fine man”, I lied. We didn’t have free periods in form 3, it would have been quite a plan to do it over a free period as the hostels would naturally be unpopulated. Excusing myself to the bathroom during a school period would arouse suspicion, considering I had not done a number 2 in almost 3 days it would have taken me too long, probably half the period. In form 3 our free times were at break, lunch time and after school and these times were all populated. After school I opened up about my plight to a friend, “I haven’t taken a crap in 3 days!”
-“I know what you mean, it is intimidating”
-“So have you done it since you got here?”, I asked him
-“I have, I shat last night during prep time, it is the perfect time!”
Of course! We all did prep in the dining hall from 7:15 until 8:45pm and during that time the hostel was empty. Ingenious! So that evening during prep, I raised my hand to the supervising teacher, excused myself to the hostel on the pretext I’d forgotten a textbook, I went to the toilet, took down my pants and I took a crap. Ahhhh….that was the most relieving crap of my life, I went back to the dining hall holding a random text book and smiled at the teacher.

Ordinarily, it really is a pleasure too. At times when you close the toilet door behind you, still hearing the toilet flush, you feel like holding a heroic stance, fists on the waist, head up to the sky like Superman straight off the booth. It comes with a sense of accomplishment, you are ready to save the day. Think about it, how much more focused are you after taking a crap? I bet a lot.

It is beyond me why it is taboo, everyone does it! I do it, you do it, the hot girl or guy you fancy does it, the president does it, the Queen of England does it and even Chuck Norris does it. Dogs wag their tail after doing it, fact! I wish we were open about it, imagine coming out of a lecture with a buddy, your buddy would initiate the conversation:
-“That lecture was so boring!”
-“Totally, so where are you going now?”
-“Home, I’m done for the day and you?”
And with utter pride you’d say, “I’m going to take a crap.”
-“Awesome, do your thing.”
You’d shake hands and part ways with a genuine smile, from one comrade to another. Unfortunately in an uptight world like ours, this would be unconventional. I am not advocating filth or perversity. I am simply pointing out the irony, that crapping being one of biggest pleasures like sex is taboo. We parade wearing different masks for different situations censoring feelings in order to fit in. What I’d like you to take away from this blog entry is just one thing: the next time you take a crap enjoy yourself, I know I will.

Yours truly

Edgar Munguambe

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